Hard Love
by TheMentalWard
Summary: Temari never felt like a mother, never even worthy to become one. Things dont get easier when you almost kill your son either
I DO NOT OWN NARUTO NOR WILL I SADLY EVER! NOTHING BELONGING TO THE THE NARUTO FRANCHISE BELONGS TO ME AND ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TO THE NARUTO FRANCHISE

* * *

ALSO I SUCK AT WRITING SO BARE WITH ME PLEASE! I JUST HAD AN IDEA IN MY HEAD THAT I WANTED TO SHARE TO ALL OF YOU LOVELY BEINGS!

* * *

I woke up to a dark atmosphere. Black was all around me and it felt suffocating. That's when I decided to pull my head back from the mass of hair. Light pierced my eyes and I was too disoriented with the sudden change of scenery and the realization that Shikamaru was home to be angry at him.

 _He's been gone for three days, the least he could have sent me a note saying he was near the village… Oh well he's too lazy for that anyways,_ I thought as I went in to fill my body right next to his as a cloud covered the sun, _A perfect fit._

I was only two minutes in to falling back asleep when the cloud disappeared, only to be replaced by the blazing sun. Realizing I wasn't going to get anymore sleep I decided to roll over and sit up. I looked over at my husband and smoothed his hair down. There was no point in waking him since he'd just go back to sleep once I got out of the room. I looked over at the cursed sun and then to the clock on my bedside table, it was only six-thirty.

I put my feet on the floor and pushed myself up, heading toward the kitchen to get an early breakfast. I was just walking past the living room when I noticed a spike of black hair growing from off the couch in the middle of the room. I crept around the couch until I was to the right of my son, who was too busy trying to solve his father's rubik's cube. It was a 6x6 and he already looked halfway through it.

"Shikadai? What are you doing up so early?" I asked my eleven year old.

"I woke up about an hour ago and couldn't go back to sleep so I started working on these." He said without losing eye contact with the cube, fingers flying over the colored squares.

Sure enough, there were already about five other rubik's cubes piled next to him, ranging from 3x3 to 6x6, along with some other hands on puzzles that were all finished. Shikadai put the last spin on the cube, finishing it off, and placed it with the others. Only then did he look at me, looking with those same eyes as mine. The first moment I saw those green orbs, I knew why people were so afraid of me, those eyes had experience and unintentional resentment. I felt sorry for him, knowing that people would feel fear towards him, without him even meaning to.

"Mom? What's wrong?" Shikadai asked, having a slight trace of concern in his monotonous voice.

I quickly blinked away the thoughts and gave him a smile, ones I only reserve for my immediate family. "You want something to eat? I can make you a rice omelet."

I only got a smile in return as he jumped off the couch and went straight to the kitchen table. Placing himself in his seat by the window he looked outside, resting his hand on his chin and giving the trees a thoughtful stare. It was still surprising at how much older he looked than he actually was, almost like an old man.

I set his orange juice next to him and turned on the stove. As I was taking out the ingredients for his rice omelet I idly talked to him about his classes. When he failed to respond after ten minutes of questioning I looked over to find him lost in thought, having a sad look on his face as he continued to look outside. An idea formed in my mind as I set our plates down at the table.

I crossed my arms and leaned towards him as if I were giving him a secret. "Hey how about we go to the arena and I train you for a bit? Since I worked with the chunin exams, I'm allowed access into the arena full time. How does that sound?"

Shikadai's face instantly perked up, giving me an astonished smile, "Really, we could do that?"

I nodded and told him to finish his meal before we went. I knew he felt left out from his team mates, having not been able to train as much as them. Since Shikamaru was busy with Naruto, he didn't have time to train his son, and I was working too much as well. Even though Shikadai has great strength and power, he doesn't really know how to harness and use them correctly. He quickly learned how to create a shadow but didn't know how to manipulate it correctly, often resulting in him accidentally capturing his comrades rather than the opponent. I thought training him on my rare day off would hopefully teach him something and make him happy.

* * *

We quickly got ready and left the house but not before leaving a note on Shikamaru's bedside table telling him where we were. _At least I remember to leave you notes_ , I thought as I locked the front door and headed down the steps towards to center of town.

As we walked along, I noticed no one was really out, except for the occasional shop worker preparing for the days customers. Shikadai bounced along the road and swung his arms in wide arcs, not having a care in the world. It made me feel warm inside seeing my own flesh and blood happy. It was times like these that I actually felt like I was doing something right as a mother.

Not really having a mother as my own, I waited until I could watch my friends become one. I tried basing everything off of Hinata, Ino and Sakura's mothering. Only it was hard when Shikadai acted different than the other children, it scared me to death when I saw him taking after me. I tried to change my whole being so he wouldn't have to grow up the way I did. I wanted to be perfect and I felt like a failure every time I wasn't. I even got into a huge fight with Shikamaru after he confronted me on my actions, demanding to know where His Temari was and why she wasn't taking care of our son. It was my breaking point when I finally had to face myself and own up to being Shikadai's mother, a broken one at that. Even then I had to have Shikamaru constantly at my back to keep me from going back to that fake being I wanted so badly to be. No matter how long it's been though, I still don't feel a hundred percent worthy of being a mother to Shikadai, I never felt good enough to call myself that, a _Mother_.

I pushed these thoughts away as we entered the building, Shikadai almost knocking me over in all of his excitement. We walked to the inner ring and I gave him instructions on what to do and where to stand. It would be a simple exercise where all Shikadai has to do was catch me with his shadow. I put down my fan and decided on being a simple moving target, only running around on the ground and avoiding being lifted in the air by my manipulated air currents.

After an hour of that Shikadai was able to capture me within thirty seconds, this was only by me staying in his range of his shadow. I decided to then move out of the circle and have him move around too. This proved to be quicker to learn than the previous exercise and he was able to capture me within eighteen seconds. We got up to me jumping in the air and being carried by the wind while Shikadai tried to aim on where I was going to land before I decided to allow a break. Having brought a basket of food for snacks and lunch, we settled in the bleachers to much on some senbei and dangu.

We were in a peaceful silence when my little genius decided to make conversation, "Mom, why did dad choose to marry someone like _you_?"

I nearly chocked on my cracker and made a quick decision to laugh rather than beat my son over the head for that little comment. "Well we kind of chose each other I guess, we had a long history with one another before we fell in love and we understood each other. We sort of came to admire and respect one another and that eventually led to love somehow. So I guess we married out of mutual regard to each other, I mean we love each other but I don't know why, it just sort of happened. We just developed feelings that were more than friendship" I tried to explain but the words weren't coming out right and it felt confusing to try to explain something so difficult, something that I even had trouble with understanding. I do love Shikamaru, I do, but how can you explain something so complicated to someone whose never been in love?

Despite this, Shikadai nodded thoughtfully and went back to silence. He seemed so composed with this horrible interpretation of something so vital to life while I was freaking out on the inside, wondering how he could have gotten any type of answer from that. I quickly finished up my meal and stated that we should get back in the rink. I was relieved when he instantly got back into his cheerful attitude and seemed to vanquish any other thought on the topic.

We kept up the training for three more hours before deciding to call it quits when Shikadai seemed to lose all of his energy. I was actually surprised he held out this long, that's my son I guess.

I was able to begin teaching him offense and defense at the same time, I would throw a kunai while he would try to dodge then attack. It was pretty rocky but I promised him I would help him out the next time we trained. That's when Shikadai got quiet, no doubt wondering if there would even be a next time. I wasn't even so sure myself, I would try but the life of a ninja sure is tough. I was able to bring a smile to his face again at the promise of ice-cream on the way home so I decided to work on one commitment at a time.

While we were walking home from the ice-cream shop my thoughts betrayed me again and I started pondering Shikamaru and his son's relationship. I'd always been jealous of them, no matter how much I denied it. They just got along so well together and it didn't seem fair. I guess it had something to do with their genes, they just looked so much alike, it must've made it easier to get along with each other. Shikamaru was always able to calm him down or make him laugh more than I was able to, even when Shikadai was a baby. It got to a point where I only fed him and left him with his father for the rest of his babyhood. It was good though, I wanted my son to be happy and if I wasn't in the picture then so be it. I decided long ago that when I had a child, _if I had a child,_ that I would do anything in my power to make him happy. I can already say that I have broken that promise, many times. It broke my heart every time my son cried or got mad, I always blamed myself. I didn't deserve to be a mother, especially one to Shikadai, he deserves better.

As a tear slipped from my eye I noticed Shikadai had stopped in front of me and was looking down an alley. I turned my head to see a young man with his face covered in a piece of cloth grabbing some money from an old cabbage seller on the side of the street parallel to the one we were on. In the blink of an eye I whipped my fan out and was about to blow a gust of wind down the corridor before a small arm stopped me. It was none other than my Shikadai, blocking the way with his body, less than half the size of mine.

"Mom, I got this." That's all he said and then he was off. He vanished down the alley and down the next street to where the thief was still running in.

I stood for a solid ten seconds in shock, wondering when my son developed such a responsible brave attitude, then I was after them both. I turned a corner to where I last saw them but unlike this morning, the street was packed. My full developed body was no match for the young man and my five-and-a-half foot son. I was crammed against the wall and a vegetable cart so it made it impossible for me to jump on to a nearby roof. I was forced to duck into an alleyway and then push myself up to a second story balcony. My panic for my sons safety made it hard for me to concentrate and I was nearly overwhelmed to the point where I was about to blow the whole square up with Kamatari. I caught myself at the last minute and closed my eyes to help concentrate. I only had to close them for a few seconds before I heard a high pitched scream. Instantly my eyes flew open and I leapt off the railing and onto my fan, gliding three streets over to where the crowed had dissipated.

I was greeted with my son and the thief. I was expecting my son to be doubled over in pain, absorbing any inflicted pain the thief was bestowing upon him. With my fan splayed out, I was ready to annihilate the assailant. To my horror though the one grieving was the thief, not Shikadai. The thief was arched back and supplying a silent scream to the sky. His hands was stiffened behind his back and his knees touched the ground. I small pool of darkness surrounded him and as I slowly followed it down the street. I was frozen in shock at what I found on the other side.

Shikadai was hunched over and had a wide manacle smile on his face. His pupils were dilated and had a glazed look over them. He was drooling and was slowly laughing to himself. His ponytail had become a mess of wild hair, some sticking to his face and neck, giving off a crazed monster look. My mind instantly flashed back to my younger years, with the same boy only red hair and a love scar on his forehead. I was filled with panic as I realized the situation and snapped to a quick decision, I couldn't let this happen again. I opened my fan all the way to reveal all three moons….and swung my arms.

Shikadai flew a dozen yards back and landed in the wall of a nearby building. He was instantly knocked out and crumpled to the ground. I threw down my fan and sprinted towards my baby. I saw his sweet face, half buried under rubble. Then I saw the blood, oozing out from under him and from a nasty gash on his forehead. That's when I started screaming.

* * *

I failed, I failed at being a mother, I failed at being his mother. I broke my promise, the promise I made so long ago, along with all the others. I would never hurt him. Ever. I would never hurt my child. So many promises broken. I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed, I-

A large calloused hand touched my shoulder and I looked up from my folded arms to find him, Shikamaru. No. Anyone but him, anyone, please no.

I was in the waiting room at the hospital, squeezed into a ball in the corner, quietly scolding myself while crying nonstop. I couldn't make the tears stop as Shikamaru wrapped his arms around me. I shoved my arms between us and pushed him away. "Get away from me," I warned, "I'm a monster, you'll only get hurt around me. Leave me be."

I couldn't meet his eyes as he told me Shikadai was stable but might slip into a coma at any moment. I could only cry harder at the thought of losing my only child.

"What you did, wasn't your fault. He could have killed somebody, he could have even killed you." He quietly added while managing to put his arm around me.

"You don't understand, he isn't like Gaara. He's a good boy. He wouldn't kill anyone without reasonable cause. I panicked and I cost my sons life-" I couldn't speak after that, my eyes flooded and my throat became dry. I started heaving so much that I was about to pass out from the lack of air I was receiving.

"Listen to me Temari. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't even Shikadai's. You can't blame yourself for this. You did the right thing, Shikadai had a nervous breakdown and the only way to stop him was doing what you did. He's going to be alright, he's a strong boy. Plus he has us as parents." With a light smile, Shikamaru pulled me in to his warm torso.

"I don't want him to be like Gaara was, if I knew he was going to be this way I wouldn't have ever even agreed to marry you, I wouldn't of had chil-"

"Temari, enough. We both had no idea that this would happen and it's too late to turn back now. He's going to be fine-"

"I wasn't a good enough mother to him. If only-"

At that point Shikamaru shook me, hard. Forcing me to look at him he said, "Temari. This was not your fault. You did the right thing and you are the best mother my son could have. No one could have brought him up like you. I wouldn't be able to do half of what you do for Shikadai. You're the best thing that either one of us could have asked for and I wouldn't give you up for the world. So stop beating yourself up over something you had to do. You did the right thing, okay?" Shikamaru's grip suddenly went slack and tears formed in his eyes as I grasped him within my arms.

I laid my head on his shoulder and finally felt a moments rest, although I still had a deep feeling of failure and regret, not as bad though. We just cradled each other until Sakura came in to inform us of our son's condition.

Looking at her clipboard she gave us a brief diagnostic, "Shikadai does have a moderate concussion and cuts all over his body. No blood went into the brain and there seems to be no issue of internal damage besides a few broken ribs. The only thing that's concerning is the sudden spikes of adrenaline in his system. It seems to be early hormonal stages mixed with newly charged chakra. He pushed himself too far and his body was trying to cope with the loss of energy. The threat of danger sent his body into shock which triggered his hormones into fusing with the chakra, resulting in a psychotic induced delirium. He is stable but very weak, due to him overexerting himself. He surly is the son of you two, no one else could have pushed themselves that far."

With a smile and assurance that Shikadai would wake up soon enough, Sakura left. With a great sigh of relief we sank back into our chairs and leaned against one another. Having been emotionally spent, I just laid my head against my husband and promptly fell asleep.

* * *

Three days later we were informed that Shikadai had woken up and was responsive. In a rush we walked quickly but quietly to his room three stories above us. When we got to his room I stopped short of the doorway, fear seizing me at seeing what I had done to my baby and him looking at his own attacker. With a gentle hand, though, Shikamaru lead me through the door and behind the curtain to where our very tired looking son was waiting. His head was wrapped in bandages as well as various parts of his limbs. Despite his weakened state he managed to give us a small smile.

Shikamaru went to kneel by him and take his hand while I scooted to the back corner and looked at what I had done to someone so innocent.

"What happened to the man?" Shikadai asked in a quiet voice.

"The thief was caught and put behind bars, thanks to your interference. You did great, kiddo." His father said, giving him a half-smile.

"See mama, I told you I could do it. I got him and it was all thanks to you." My son said, looking at me with too much admiration, something I didn't deserve at all. I could only tearfully nod.

"You saved me mama. I would have done something terrible if you weren't there. I could've killed that man. I'm just so glad that you were there to protect everyone from me. I became a monster, I-"

I rushed up beside my little man, trying to give him my love through our clutched hands, "Shhh, honey. It wasn't you're fault. It wasn't your fault."

With a hazy expression, Shikadai looked up at me and said, "You'll always be there for me mama, won't you? You've always been there for me mama."

I was flooded with my emotions that I could only nod as tears streamed from my face but somehow managed to whisper, "Always"

"I love you, mama. I always will."

"I love you, too"

And with that Shikamaru gathered us in a hug and I finally felt complete.

* * *

No, I'm not a perfect mom. No one is, no matter how many kids you have you'll never get it right. You might not agree with your child and you might hurt them, but that's all a part of growing up. I finally realized that my son truly loved me, no matter how imperfect I was. I finally accepted myself as a mother, even though it was long after everyone else accepted me as one, even my own son.


End file.
